I think we need to talk….

When I was younger and frustrations got too much I would yell, scream, cry, hit punch, kick, spit, full on exorcist on the floor. I didn’t have the means to regulate the means being communication because you can have all the stress balls and other sensory tools you like but without communication regulating is impossible because without an outlet for those frustrations they just fester until they blow up, resolution is not always the goal you see some of these frustrations will never ever be resolved because of so many reasons however sometimes just getting them out into the open weather that’s to your family, friends or a blog on the internet it’s important to be able to allow them to be freed.

10yrs without a verbal voice you would think when I finally got it I would never shut up that it would be my sole way to communicate but in fact it’s probably my least preferred way to communicate my frustrations, you see I’m still learning to regulate so verbally they may come out as rudeness or even a crooked smile and a downplay of the events that curse my mind every hour of the day and night so I let my fingers do the talking, across a keyboard they type everything I want to say but just can’t. they talk through the injustice and frustrations I feel on a daily basis the confusion that greets me every time I try to fit into a world that just isn’t made for me, it types and types and types in hopes one day someone a special kind of someone a someone who wants to in force change will read it and start making a world that not only speaks about inclusivity but inforces it too in ways that are big but also most importantly in ways that are small so tiny in fact that you might not even notice because they would already be so ingrained to our lives that we wouldn’t need to spare a thought.

I hate talking about this topic mainly because people seem to just wave it away they put it down as the person being paranoid them using their disability card where it doesn’t belong but what they don’t know is how it feels being the other person. The person who has to admit that discrimination is taking place we got through many phases of this realisation if you call it that because discrimination is something we face every second of the day however let’s go back again how it feels to be that person. Having a disability I think a lot of people think it means you think everyone is discriminating against you when it’s actually us who are the issue, I didn’t know what else to tell you apart from that is not true at all like yes we are aware that there is room for discrimination because of our disability or the way look or skin colour or whatever is but that doesn’t mean we think it’s happening every second of the day in-fact we like to look on the good side a lot of the time we like to gaslight ourselves telling us that we have got it wrong but deep down we know we are just too aware.

I’ve been painfully aware my whole life some days I can predict things before they even happen it’s because I can pick up on patterns in peoples behaviours like no one else I usually use this skill as a way to help me see a routine in places, things, people so the day isn’t too overwhelming but it also means I can pick up on peoples Intentions a lot quicker than my peers I see the looks, I hear the whispers I feel them, I smell them I’m aware painfully aware you may add, I feel the judgements and the questions on my abilities, I see you thinking ur being clever I also see when other people finally notice the same and they try to cover it up thinking I’m still oblivious to the whole thing but in fact I’m already so far ahead of you I can’t even see you anymore. The one thing I’m not very good at is knowing what to do about it like of course the first thing being is report the behaviour but then I get stuck in my head about it, why should I be the one to report it why does it happen in the first place? Why in this day and age is this still something that is happening in the work place, at home, in the entire world? I then feel like reporting it woulndt do a thing because why would it? If a change was wanted then it would of already been Implemented yet here we are stuck in the same behaviours as yrs prior, so what can I do? Let it roll of my back, let the injustice of it all drown me, keep doing what I’m doing and show those people they can’t get me down? But they are? They have…. I’m sad for me but also sad for the other people like me who will have the same crap but I’m…stuck. I’m just stuck. What if I report the behaviour and what if they do that one thing which is worse than just ignoring it or telling me I’ve read it wrong…what if they tell me exactly why they exclude me what if they confirm what my head has told me all my life….that….that I’m unable, I’m just not good enough…

One thing I do know that I can do is to write about it, let people read it, some may think oh here we go again someone saying they are being discriminated against and they are not, some may share it, some may message me a heartfelt pm full of motivation and some will just sit with it…. Is there a wrong thing to do? I don’t know I guess either way it’s out there someone will have it someone will be aware of this problem that affects so many people mainly in the work place and I guess right now that’s all I could wish for…. I want people to be painfully aware just like I’am

Every

Single

Day…