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I want to be beautiful 

July 30, 2017

IMG_1919I’am autistic but before that I’am a girl, a women, a lady, a female however you want to address that title.

I know I’m not into all the typical girl stuff like make up, dresses, highheels, flaunting my self at guys. But you see I still have massive insecurities about the way I look and truly I just want to be beautiful…

I want someone to look at me and say I’m beautiful and really mean it, I want my eyebrows to just not be my eyebrows…every joke I hear about them makes me want to puke because it hurts so bad even harmless jokes I think because I can’t speak about my inscurties they think I don’t have any but in reality I have loads just like you…maybe even more because my autism can be a massive insecurity….

I want to be beautiful but wait what is beautiful? Like what is the definition of it? I know I’m not beautiful but my sisters are but I can’t really tell you what beautiful is just that I’m not it.

My biggest fear is to become fat, I know plenty of people who are overweight and beautiful but you see I’m not beautiful so being overweight would make it worse. I always hold a pillow or something over my stomach when I’m sat/ laying down because I’m insecure of my stomach.

I wasn’t going to write about this as I know a lot of people will feel like I’m just fishing for compliments but really I’m not, ask anyone who knows me they will tell you that I hate compliments, they make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. I don’t need reassurance either I just feel like I needed to express myself somehow and this is my blog I can put whatever I want on here as long as it’s not harming anyone else.

someone once told me “to be called beautiful you must be beautiful on the outside and you peri are not that maybe pretty but not beautiful”  I have relented that and have taken it pretty literally, I don’t even think I’m pretty so what I’m I? I always thought you could be beautiful on the inside as well and that everyone is beautiful in their own way but apparently there is a certain look that only  clarifies as “beautiful”

Im all for laughing at myself but my looks is a sore spot so when you joke about them they are the jokes which keep me up and night, I even hate myself for not being able to take them as a joke the way they should be taken…well I hope they are jokes…are they?? See this is how my insecurities work, they constantly make me misjudge and analysis people’s intentions.

If i care too much I’m a drama queen if I care too little I’ m a robot….life is hard when your not 100% sure how little or how much you should be feeling or what you should do when you are feeling something.

“I want to be beautiful but I don’t know what that is”….


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  1. Beautiful is not what you see with your eyes. Beauty is held deep within you and it seeps out of you like sweat. Social media and other media outlets ram their perceptions of what beautiful should be but look at all those stupid pouting poses on fb and snapchat. I have an 8 year old with autism and she already has said she is fat and ugly. She is NOT fat and I mean she isn’t even remotely chubby ….she is a normal weight. She is NOT ugly, I’m her mother but despite that she is a beautiful child. I have told her that ugly is inside people, ugly is not how people look but how they are. They are the people who are always nasty, always vicious and always hateful towards other people. I am not going to tell anyway that they shouldn’t feel how they feel. If you feel ugly or fat then that’s the way you feel and only you can change that thought. It’s all about self esteem and realising that being beautiful is NOT that important in life. In life being a good person, who values everyone and embraces people’s differences is much more important. I have met many people in my life who were truly beautiful, regardless of disability, regardless of disfigurement, regardless of age and their radiance shone out of them, they were confident and inspirational. Believe in you, as you are, focus on your strengths and let confidence come to you. Everyone can be beautiful 😊 stay strong and believe on your own abilities x

    • Thank you so much, your words are so sweet but also so true. I hope your daughter soon realises her true beauty soon ♥️

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