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Why do you do that?

July 31, 2017

IMG_1949I think the most asked question which autistic kids/adults and their parents get is ”why do you/they do that?” Mostly because most people think whatever we are doing is an inconvenience to them or sometimes they are just plain curious.  What we do is no concern of the public but I know many families who often wonder why their kids are doing these ”bizarre things” So I’m willing to share my insight on the things I do and why I do them in hopes it can help families with their loved ones but also bring general awareness to you all not to judge if you see a child/adult doing something well ”strange”

”Why do I always look at my hands and wiggly fingers?” Have you ever looked at your hands?? they are the most interesting things in the world, they can do so many different things and move in so many different ways. All my fingers in perfect order moving in a rhythmic order its calming to me like the sight of a quiet ocean gently coming in and out to shore. Looking at people’s eyes are like looking into caves of hell and fire lots and lots of fire god how it burns but my hands they are not fire they are birds which are dancing to silent songs, they are my calm they are my muse.

”Why do I often make a sounds or hum when I’m happy/sad/angry”? Well, why do you smile when you’re happy or cry when you’re sad?” It’s just something that happens my sounds are part of my voice is how I communicate but it’s also a reflex just like smiling when you’re happy or yawning when you’re tired. I also hear a sound on the tv or a sound while out and about. If I like the sound it will often become ”my sound” which means I will echo it over and over again exactly the way it sounded originally. At the moment ”My sound” is a sound which sounds like an old squeaky door opening in a horror film.

”Why do you only eat a certain food?” Because I like everything the same including my foods, a different food can throw me right off. It scares me because it wasn’t what I expected and now it’s ruined my whole day just because of one different food! It’s crazy but its true I can’t help it, what if the texture is weirder from the others? what happens if it’s too crunchy or too soft? too sticky> too gooey?  or the taste is all wrong, too spicy? too plain? Having all the same foods creates less anxiety and means I don’t have to starve myself.

”Why do you meltdown if your routine is changed?” Think of it this way if you had spent ages and ages developing a careful plan of this new universe which you have crashed landed on with no instructions so you had to make your own but now someone has changed something which makes your very careful thought out plan fall to bits. It’s frustrating and really really scary! Without those plans I have no idea what to expect or whats going on, I depend on those plans to live and without them I just fall apart. I scream, shout, cry lash out because I have no idea what to do or how to cope now I’m alone and have to waste my time that I need to use to get to know my peers around  to now developing new plans which I’m sure will get ruined again and again but what choice do I have?!?! why cant things be the same?!?!?

”Why do you move around so much?” My body is fueled by a never ending motor, imagine a hyperactive squirrel which had accidentally taken a sip of an energy drink well that’s what my motor is. This world is so big so noisy so many things to see so bright! I have to keep up I have to always keep moving always move my body as that motor is having to work so hard to keep up with the world around me and if it stops even for a moment it might stop for good…. Jumping, flapping my hands, rocking, hopping, spinning, running, pacing my body was meant to move it needs to move.

”Why do I have to keep stopping writing just to engage in a stimming session?” Why do you have to stop and sneeze? It’s just an impulse I have, it’s something I have to do plus it feels really really good and regulates my body so I can concentrate and write a beautiful piece just for you. Just keep stimming, just keep stimming.

”Why do I line everything up?” ORDER!! this world needs order it’s so chaotic, so crazy there is no structure here and all my instructions to this world are all in this weird language that for the life of me I can’t understand so I have to create my own order. Lines are great don’t you think? who does not love lines?!?!? they keep everything in its place and everything has its place, the world is less noisy, bright, crowded, scary, overwhelming when everything is in a line. Straight and perfect unlike this world which is curvy and messy.

”Why do I only like even numbers?” Odd numbers are the numbers of the devil they just don’t feel right! every tv has to be turned up not too loud but on an even number, I have to have an even number of  pieces of food on my plate, even numbers make me feel happy and calm where odd numbers make me feel anxious and restless

”Why do I chew everything” It didn’t taste nice…that shopping receipt I chewed, nor did those lego bricks or that computer cable or those rubber bands, they all tasted awful and made my jaw ache but I have this need to chew like you have the need to breathe. I don’t even realize I’m chewing most of the time until someone mentions it to me.Our brains all have a special part which controls all of our sensory needs well you see mine is totally busted its all wired wrong meaning I need to chew all the time I know how unattractive and silly it makes me look but I can’t help it. This does not mean I’m a dog or an infant it does not mean you can challenge my academic abilities it just means my blue wire is connected to a yellow wire instead of another blue wire.

”Why do I  have obsessions?”  I become obsessed with things normally tv shows which is kinder awesome as you may like the same tv show as I do but believe me when I say you will never like them as much as I do, when I like something I will learn everything I can about it, if its a tv show I will watch it over and over without getting bored with it because if you love something so much then you will never get bored of it right? I have so many friends say they love something but then become bored with it after a while…it makes no sense? This world can get really lonely you know like everyone seems to know what they’re doing, they seem to have special groups where they fit into and special people they connect too but I don’t…. So my interests become my special places and my special friends, when I’m watching a favorite tv show or doing a favorite hobby I feel like I finally belong, I finally feel secure and safe in a world which is so dark and scary

”Why do I script?” As a way to connect, because of its fun, because I feel safe when I do this, I feel like you even if the way I’m talking is slightly different. Sometimes what I hear on tv is really funny so I just have to echo it why wouldn’t I? like I said when I like something I like something an awful lot even the words and sounds they make.

”Why do I crave pressure and weight?” I feel like a floating balloon, I feel like I’m just floating I don’t feel like a real person I need to feel like a person I need to feel like I’m existing. So at times, I need a big tight hug or to be jumped on while I lay on the floor or to be squashed into a tight hole. It’s why you may find me tucked between the sofa or a gap of the fridge or why I have a hundred layers of covers on me even though its summer time. My blue wire is connected to the yellow wire meaning I don’t get that natural body awareness that we need to make us feel like a floating balloon so I try to make my own blue wire for it to connect to.

”Why do I flinch with touch?” Your touch hurts… It’s like you have just poured a thousand of ants all over my body and now pouring acid onto my open wounds….Believe me, I’m not being oversensitive so please don’t think I’m and force me to hug you, do you really think I’m happy that my tangled wires prevent me from giving and accepting love in the most natural ways created? Do you think I really enjoy not being able to give my family a hug when they are hurting? Do you think  I like having to explain to them how I can be touched by some people but others like them it still hurts? Of course, I don’t its hell but please know it’s nothing to do with any of you. It’s just my tangled wires I can’t make sense of someone touching me

”Why do I hit my head?” Sometimes I get too much information coming in all at once and the mental pain that I endure because of this is so intense that the only thing that can help is causing myself physical pain. So I hit my head as hard as I can to try and get it to stop to try and get everything to pause just for a moment. I just wish I could get my brain to catch up quick enough, it hurts so bad. I dont do this for attention I do this because I’m hurting so badly that I coulndt even begin to explain it to me so please don’t judge just help me keep myself safe

”Why do I cover my ears?” Loud sounds are always louder for me, I hear them so much more than you do but I also see them and I also feel and taste them. All my senses get so overwhelmed that I just can’t cope. Loud sounds taste so bitter like nails covered with blood and pure lemon juice. Lound sounds looks like explosions of fire,knifs,bombs, and death. Loud sounds feel like stinging nettles, hot burning cole, and hedgehogs. Loud sounds sound like chalk on a chalkboard, bombs going off, cars crashing into explosions, fireworks, lions roaring the kind of noise which leaves a ringing in your ears, the kind of ringing which never goes away, high pitched ringing which makes me wish I was dead because I would rather be dead than be pained by that awful ringing. I hear the ringing, and smell the awful smells and feel the burning cold for much longer as well even when the original noise which caused this has gone I’m still hearing it, it takes longer for me to come down from it.

”Why do you smile and laugh to yourself?” Because The world is beautiful yes it’s very scary and loud but it’s also beautiful and because I have autism I can see some of the worlds hidden beauties which are often hidden from the rest of you. I smile because I’m so glad to be alive because I get to see everything which others miss. I get to see the way the sun shines on the water, I get to hear the sweet sound which water makes as it falls onto the ground, I get to see the birds arguing with each other like old married couples. I get to feel sand running through my fingers and in between my toes, I get to see the crinkles appear in my sister’s eyes when she laughs, I get to feel my families love in other ways than affection. Little things amuse me not because I’m not bright but because I know those little things are what makes the world go round, I notice all the little things because unlike everyone else’s fast pace lifestyle I walk around in this world noticing everything from the cracks on the floor to the sun in the sky. I’m happy I can see the small things because those are the most beautiful things in the world, the precious things because so many often miss them. I count all the leaves as they fall from the trees smiling as I do it because no one can steal this moment from me because no one can truly understand how much joy a simple activity can bring me, every Autumn the tree’s fall on off the trees but then every spring the trees grow new ones back how isn’t that amazing?!?!?! We are seeing real life dying and then living right in front of our eyes that’s enough to make me smile and laugh out of pure joy. I stand there for hours trying to make sense of it all as I see the beauty out of something so ”small”.

There are so many other things I do but I will be all day if I was to name and explain them all so I have done my best to explain a few. There is always a reason to why we may do something even if it’s as simple as ”we do it because we like it” The things we do are as important as the things you do, they may look weird and they may be different but they are what make us who we are and who we are is magical if you want to know more just ask please don’t stare and before you judge us ask yourself are we hurting you or anyone else? if not then let us do our ”thing”.

 

 

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2 Comments
  1. A lot of these apply to me, though I’ve never hit my head. Instead I used to bite and dig my nails in my arms. I still do it sometimes, though far less… and I feel a little guilty later…
    I crave deep pressure hugs too, though only from a few people, people I feel close to and trust… Most other people, I do not want them to touch me, though they often do so anyway. It’s hard to fully escape touch. I’ve learned to “grin and bear it” most of the time. I love repeating quotes from TV shows, sounds too, unfortunately I still struggle to cope with the odd looks and judgemental stares I may get in response, and I find it a little frustrating when people don’t understand what I am saying. Logically I sort of know others cannot read my mind and know what I’m thinking, but somehow, on another level I sort of expect everyone to just “know” how I feel or what I’m quoting and why – because it’s so obvious to me, I have to remind myself it’s not obvious to others…
    Anyway.. long comment… I hope you will pop by my blog sometime – it’s still “in the works” but as soon as I get some energy back I’ll get to writing it (spectrumredblog.wordpress.com).

    • I do too often forget that what seems obvious to me may not seem obvious to others. I look forward to exploring your blog. Thank you for the comment xx

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