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Please not another celebration..

August 24, 2017

I was that kid who ruined celebrations such as Birthdays, Christmas, New Years and any other celebration. Of course this was not intentional in reality I didn’t and I still don’t want to ruin anything but I have a hard time in keeping my emotions in check on celebration days. 

Even as a 20year old women I still find that I ruin these special days which I hate as I do want to be able to join in all the fun and the boisterous conversations but I can’t. Otherpeople’s birthdays are the hardest as there is this  pressure to make it an amazing day for the person and of course us with autism takes that very literal so we think even if we frown it will ruin their day. 

So we keep everything pented up even though we are frustrated and our anxiety is hitting the roof because everything is different. Decorations are up… lots more people coming round….noise of laughter and ripping paper, routine is chucked out of the window and…and we just can’t cope. 

So some of us scream, some of us cry, some of us get rude and snarky because we are unable to catch up and understand a conversation but we so want to be included so we try but the words all come out wrong so we get labelled as rude and inconsiderate. 

There may be someone who just rubs us the wrong way but we are made to spend the whole day with them to celebrate but we  can’t filter out their unkind words as well as everyone else and with everything else you can hear, feel, see, smell it’s too much so you blow up. The next thing we know we have said made a scene, everyone is tutting at  you, your Granma has stormed out, a choirs of sarcastic “welldones” are heard and you are left feeling ashamed. 

It’s sad that we are often made to feel ashamed over behaviours which we can’t help, we try so hard everyday even harder one days like these but they always prove to be too difficult. We don’t want to ruin anything we just want to enjoy the day with you but we can’t so to save you from disappointment and distress due to our behaviour we hide away. 

We give you our gift and cards then we go and sit somewhere out the way and watch from afar.  We are not ignoring you because we don’t care for you it’s actually because we care too much so want you to have the best day and if that means without us then so be it.

So before anyone says to us “that we have ruined your day” just know that’s the last thing we want, we are truly trying so hard to keep everything together. 

Thank you 💙


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