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Shh let me listen!

image.jpgI like to engage into group conversations like anyone I hate being excluded but gosh I find it so difficult. When everyone is speaking I can not listen to all at once and I can not tune out and just focus on one. I hear everything!!! I hear the pet birds  chirping, I hear the kids playing upstairs, so here I’am trying my best to engage in the on going conversations because man I SO WANT TOO!!! But then someone near me interrupts and I can no longer hear anything else but that person so without thinking I harshly snap “please  shhh!” All eyes are suddenly on me…harsh scows chucked in my direction and comments like “Don’t give him attitude” “why are you so rude” “don’t start peri” I’m not starting nor am I giving attitude I just want to LISTEN I want to join in I want to feel INCLUDED I want to CONNECT with you why must you knock me back? Don’t you see I’m TRYING. I try so hard to do things you take for granted I try so hard to be a part of YOUR world despite being knocked back time after time don’t you know how much that hurts but I keep trying because I just want to JOIN IN do you know how sacred that is!!! That despite the constant misunderstandings I still want to join and listen to everything being said, I want to debate about topics, I want to laugh I want to make you laugh I want to feel a part of something so all I’m asking is please be patience with me please slow down, please don’t feel like I’m giving you attitude or mouth when I get overloaded and suddenly snap and please let me explain this matter because when you just roll my your eyes at me it makes me feel maybe I should of never learned to speak in the first place…I JUST WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU please see that as a privileged and not a burden and please never see me as a burden either…..

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The Silent Meltdown

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I often get asked this question a lot… “Peri do you still have meltdowns” and the simple answer is “Yes” however they have drastically changed throughout the years.

In the Autism community when we think of meltdowns we think of the person chucking themselves onto the floor, clawing at their face and screaming for hours on end. These are the meltdowns I used to have, I used to scream and cry, lash out at loved ones  while chucking myself into walls and anything else around me.

Nowadays my meltdowns are often silent and for me they are more painful than my “typical meltdowns” like typical meltdowns the silent meltdowns can be triggered by anything from change, sensory overload, misunderstandings, arguments, illness, pain and so on. Imagine letting out a blood curdling scream yet it’s silent? Your whole body is screaming but yet it’s all internal all you can do is sit there and scratch your face, hit your chest while everything falls down within. If the meltdown was triggered by a argument you would often find me repeating segments from the argument that was said to me and I will be repeating this over and over again like “your a lia your a lia your a lia”  even repeating thoughts I never got to express in the argument like; you said  that I remember I remember” Then the silent tears will start, I’m trying to regain my breathing but my mind grabs hold of me and brings me back to the meltdown so I lash out at myself willing myself to just move on. I scream again but again it’s silent I hug and squeeze my chest willing for it to stop willing for someone to notice me and pull me out of this never ending  torture cycle. I whisper comforting words to myself pretending I’m someone else yet knowing if anyone else was to say these things to me I would pounce on them as in this state I just can’t accept love. My head throbs and my chest heaves I feel like I’m going to pass out I feel trapped I can’t escape so I scream again whacking my head against the wall in the hopes to stop this internal pain …..yet no one heard because in reality I’m just sat there looking at my phone with my hands pinching into my skin. I’m drowning and no  one can see all I can do is hold my breathe and hope the meltdown subsideds soon.

Autism can be lonely and isolating especially for those who experiences these silent meltdowns..just because it’s silent does not mean it never happened. It happened and it bloody hurt…

Autism and Empathy: I’am not a robot! 


Autism and empathy 

I have Autism and no I’m NOT a robot…

I’am not a robot, I have blood coursing through my veins just like you, I feel happy, angry, sad, scared just like you, I feel pain just like you and believe it or not I feel other people’s emotions too just like YOU…. 

“But Peri people with autism don’t have empathy I know this is true because I have read it in a book”!! 

“Wait you read it in a book”? 

“Umm well many books so it must be true”!!!! 

Urgh I swear I have had that conversation a billion of times the whole myth of Autism people having no empathy has been going on for ages and it’s one that is actually pretty hurtful because when you say we have no empathy your actually calling us inhuman and funny enough that really hurts (another reason why I can clarify that we are not robots!) 

We struggle with empathy don’t get me wrong but just because we struggle with it does not mean we don’t have it at all, the main trouble is how we express it and often feeling too much. I remember when I was nonverbal one of the main catalysts of me not talking was that I felt too much meaning I had no idea where to even start, I didn’t know what to say first. My empathy also caused meltdowns, going into a crowded room would always end in a meltdown not just because of the physical stimulation but a room full of people means a room full of different emotions and feelings, emotions and feelings I was going to all be feeling all at once….AAAAARRREGHHHAAA it’s too much!! Mums angry because the washing isn’t done, dads sad because his car is broken, the baby is scared cos the dog barked, my sister is happy cos she got good grades whatever the feelings were for and why I will instantly feel them all at once, I just couldn’t cope so I would meltdown or react negativity which would cause trouble so I often try and distance myself away from other people’s feelings if I don’t react then I can’t be told off for my reaction….right?….

But now I get told off because my lack of interest must show I don’t care which must mean so don’t have empathy….urgh your so wrong when will you realise that the problem is not that I don’t feel anything at all but that I feel too much so I get overwhelmed which results in me not always reacting appropriately or reacting in a way that you approve …🙄

I have done some nice things in my lifetime like I organised and took part in a 15mile charity walk for my teacher who has cancer, I also did a PowerPoint for this teacher when he had to go for an operation etc I did those things out of choice I did those things because I felt bad because I felt what he was feeling because I wanted nothing more to make him feel a little better…

“So you see I wouldn’t of done that if I didn’t have empathy would I?” N

“No peri you did that out of respect for him not empathy” da hell?!? Are you really assuming MY actions and MY feelings?!?!? I don’t know if you understand but the word My means they are MINE meaning no one can undermine them, assume them or explain them apart from me! And this Person’s argument was that I didn’t show them empathy at a certain time they assume I don’t have any empathy at all….NO! 

I’m Just like YOU meaning I don’t “show” empathy all the time like maybe you had upset me that day or I was having a bad day so was unable to separate my feelings and yours etc there are many reasons why I acted the way I did but not having empathy is not one of them. I’m sure not everyone shows or acts on their empathy 24/7 so why I’m I made too in the fear of being labeled a non empathetic robot? Why do I have different rules to all of you? 

Just because I didn’t show it does not mean I didn’t feel every ounce of pain you were going through maybe that was the problem maybe I was too overwhelmed so reacted negatively or distance or I was just trying to process everything because unlike you I process everything differently and much slower. 

I often don’t always show my caring ways in the old traditional way like I won’t give a crying person a hug and I won’t sit there giving you a mushy pep talk because I’am unable to connect to you on that level but I will connect with you in other ways, I will sit with u in silence letting u know I will never leave u, other times I will leave u too it but then come back with a gift like a drawing for you or I will crack jokes and try to get you to laugh and smile so beautifully. 

Then other times I won’t connect I won’t make u feel better because your pain is too great for me to Handel, I’m feeling every drop of pain you have and I have no idea how to make it better so I blame myself…I feel like a failure that turns into self hatred which turns into depression and anxiety which can turn into outbursts of snide comments but those are not cos I have a lack of empathy those are because my empathy is too strong which means I get too much information all coming in at one time so I can’t cope. 

So I know it’s hard to believe like I’m going against all the “facts” you have read in those billion of books of yours but I’m not a robot, Autism people are not robots and you calling us that actually really hurts because you are really questioning are ability and subjecting us to inhumans. 

Autism can be misleading we do things which may make you think we have no empathy but really you got to dig deeper, you have to look in between the lines, you have to have belief in us that we are just like YOU but a little different we want to be loved but we also want to love and we take joy in making our peers happy and feel better. 😊

Please not another celebration..


I was that kid who ruined celebrations such as Birthdays, Christmas, New Years and any other celebration. Of course this was not intentional in reality I didn’t and I still don’t want to ruin anything but I have a hard time in keeping my emotions in check on celebration days. 

Even as a 20year old women I still find that I ruin these special days which I hate as I do want to be able to join in all the fun and the boisterous conversations but I can’t. Otherpeople’s birthdays are the hardest as there is this  pressure to make it an amazing day for the person and of course us with autism takes that very literal so we think even if we frown it will ruin their day. 

So we keep everything pented up even though we are frustrated and our anxiety is hitting the roof because everything is different. Decorations are up… lots more people coming round….noise of laughter and ripping paper, routine is chucked out of the window and…and we just can’t cope. 

So some of us scream, some of us cry, some of us get rude and snarky because we are unable to catch up and understand a conversation but we so want to be included so we try but the words all come out wrong so we get labelled as rude and inconsiderate. 

There may be someone who just rubs us the wrong way but we are made to spend the whole day with them to celebrate but we  can’t filter out their unkind words as well as everyone else and with everything else you can hear, feel, see, smell it’s too much so you blow up. The next thing we know we have said made a scene, everyone is tutting at  you, your Granma has stormed out, a choirs of sarcastic “welldones” are heard and you are left feeling ashamed. 

It’s sad that we are often made to feel ashamed over behaviours which we can’t help, we try so hard everyday even harder one days like these but they always prove to be too difficult. We don’t want to ruin anything we just want to enjoy the day with you but we can’t so to save you from disappointment and distress due to our behaviour we hide away. 

We give you our gift and cards then we go and sit somewhere out the way and watch from afar.  We are not ignoring you because we don’t care for you it’s actually because we care too much so want you to have the best day and if that means without us then so be it.

So before anyone says to us “that we have ruined your day” just know that’s the last thing we want, we are truly trying so hard to keep everything together. 

Thank you 💙

Dear Parents, Caregivers, Doctors and Educators

IMG_2011.JPGDear Parents, Caregivers, Doctors and Educators.

I’am Autistic but before that before anything else I’am a human being. I need food, water, shelter and love like anyone else to survive just because I’m autistic those things never change it just means I may also need extra things being done or those things being done differently.

Please don’t force us to have friends. I know you probably think your doing what’s best for us so making us play with those kids in the playground will solve all our problems but I’m sorry it won’t. It will just make us more uncomfortable so we will retreat back into our own world. Ease us in gently, listen to us ask us what we want even if we can’t verbally tell you we will tell you in other ways you just need to be patient. We don’t want to be forced to play with others when we are not ready because it shows us we are indeed outcasts and again we are failing you.

Please don’t ever say we can’t because we can and will! To us the sky is limitless, you may have your doctor degrees and teaching degrees but really you know nothing about us because you can’t because we are Jacks in the boxes but we don’t perform for anyone. Help us reach our full potential instead of putting restrictions on things YOU “think” we can’t do.

Please don’t pity us because then we will think we are broken and something that needs to be fixed, honestly we often think you are the ones who needs pitying. You go at such a fast pace that you miss so many wonderful things around you.

Please don’t force us to fit in your square peg hols, we are circles so no matter how much you push us we will not fit! But we will get bruised, bent and broken….why do you want to break us?

Please don’t yell at us for things we can’t help, I know we can be can be frustrating. Chucking the food you have slaved over for hours down the toilet. The texture is bad but so is the smell I gag just looking at it so I needed to dispose of it quickly. switching all the lights in the house off, they were hurting my eyes and head why is the world so bright? endless hours of screaming because it’s raining but today is Sunday and every Sunday we go to the park but now we can’t and my routine is messed! Lashing out at anyone who tries to hug us, making high pitch sounds at the supermarket then eloping because Someone else has just made a loud noise and that is NOT OKAY!

Please don’t say we are not trying because we are trying as hard as we can and we try every hour of every minute of every second of every single dam day! We try because we love you because we hurt when we know we have caused you pain and frustration. We can’t express to you what we are going through but our reality takes everything in us to make it through without a fight. Every food we put in our mouth we are trying not to puke it back up, every trip to the shops we are trying not to meltdown, every noise or sound we form we are desperately trying to form a word so we can speak to you, every kiss and hug we give we are trying not to squirm because physical contact burns us,every time we look at you we are trying so hard to give you the best eye contact without melting down because the puzzle inside overwhelms us. Even when you think we are not trying like when we are already in a meltdown we are, we are trying to stop and regulate our bodies and we try so dam hard so please don’t judge us just love us.

Please don’t leave our siblings out because you are focused on our needs. They are too fighting a silent battle so they need all the love and backup they can get. They are superheroes often sacrificing themselves for there quirky sidekicks so please don’t sacrifice them too. Half your attention and if you can’t do that let the siblings know you and we love them and are thankful for them everyday.

Please don’t force us to look at you, it hurts so much. We are listening to you and respect you but we don’t have to look at you for you to know this. We wouldn’t make you run over hot Cole so please don’t make us look into your eyes.

Please don’t force us to speak, we know how desperately you want to hear our voice. It’s in every parent book and is often referred to as the most magical milestone we will ever go through. Do you know how much pressure that is on us to fulfil such an important milestone? We know we should be doing it with ease, maybe we had already spoken but our voice was taken away as fast as we got it. It’s frustrating we so want to make you happy and just speak but putting everything on us speaking is not healthy because for some of us we won’t ever speak and yet again we will feel like we have failed you for something we really can’t help.

Please help us connect to you in other ways. Speaking is a way for us to connect with each other but it’s only one way, there are millions of different ways you can teach us to connect. Cards, signs, talking devices, writing, drawing, dance. These are just a few so please think a little outside the box and help us connect.

Please welcome and join our world instead of trying to push us into yours. When you join our world by taking part in our behaviours or sitting silently with us while we are on our tablet or lining up our many objects it shows us you are accepting us and our world with welcome arms. This will make us more willing to connect with you as well.

Please keep our routine in check as much as possible and if you can’t please warn us. Our routine is the only thing keeping us together so when it is disturbed our whole world is tipped upside down. We are not being spoilt or being stubborn we are just trying very hard to keep it together so keeping everything in order is key. Imagine you spent months putting milions of pieces of paperwork in organised files but then it is messed up meaning you have to start all over again. Knowing this process will take you months and take you away from learning other important skills to survive on this alien planet.

Please be patience we can take a lot of time to achieve simple tasks but we promise if you wait we will show you amazing things. Listen more because we sing beautiful silent songs just for you.

Don’t cry for us but cry with us, we are not something that should be cried over, we are not broken, we are not dying and we do not need to be fixed. We understand how scary this whole thing must be for you, parenting must be terrifying; one minute you are going out drinking and partying then the next you look down and you see this kid on your knee who is depending on you to survive and when you add Autism into the mix that kid will grow into an adult and may still be depending on you. It’s scary for us as well having to put all this trust in a person you truly can’t understand or connect to no matter how much you try so we have just got to trust that you will love and take care of us. When things go wrong we too want to cry so please cry with us let us know it’s okay to cry and that you are feeling this pain too, just don’t cry for us.

We know once you probably dreamt of flying but now your having nightmares about dying. Just don’t, we don’t know what will happen in the future but we will be okay because of everything you have and continue to teach us. You can still fly but now you don’t have to fly on your own.

Laugh, smile and love us! That’s all we want like anyone else we just want to feel and be loved! We may not show or accept love in the traditional ways but that does not mean we can’t feel it or show it. Don’t force us to hug you but embrace our other ways we have to show you we love you. You are our maps but we are your compass so please hold our hands and follow us into the doors of life, please don’t make us go on our own. We need you, we want you, we LOVE YOU.

“Maybe one day, I won’t be this way, Until then we’ll get by” ♥️

Love from
Your Autistic children, teenagers and adults.

Why do you do that?

IMG_1949I think the most asked question which autistic kids/adults and their parents get is ”why do you/they do that?” Mostly because most people think whatever we are doing is an inconvenience to them or sometimes they are just plain curious.  What we do is no concern of the public but I know many families who often wonder why their kids are doing these ”bizarre things” So I’m willing to share my insight on the things I do and why I do them in hopes it can help families with their loved ones but also bring general awareness to you all not to judge if you see a child/adult doing something well ”strange”

”Why do I always look at my hands and wiggly fingers?” Have you ever looked at your hands?? they are the most interesting things in the world, they can do so many different things and move in so many different ways. All my fingers in perfect order moving in a rhythmic order its calming to me like the sight of a quiet ocean gently coming in and out to shore. Looking at people’s eyes are like looking into caves of hell and fire lots and lots of fire god how it burns but my hands they are not fire they are birds which are dancing to silent songs, they are my calm they are my muse.

”Why do I often make a sounds or hum when I’m happy/sad/angry”? Well, why do you smile when you’re happy or cry when you’re sad?” It’s just something that happens my sounds are part of my voice is how I communicate but it’s also a reflex just like smiling when you’re happy or yawning when you’re tired. I also hear a sound on the tv or a sound while out and about. If I like the sound it will often become ”my sound” which means I will echo it over and over again exactly the way it sounded originally. At the moment ”My sound” is a sound which sounds like an old squeaky door opening in a horror film.

”Why do you only eat a certain food?” Because I like everything the same including my foods, a different food can throw me right off. It scares me because it wasn’t what I expected and now it’s ruined my whole day just because of one different food! It’s crazy but its true I can’t help it, what if the texture is weirder from the others? what happens if it’s too crunchy or too soft? too sticky> too gooey?  or the taste is all wrong, too spicy? too plain? Having all the same foods creates less anxiety and means I don’t have to starve myself.

”Why do you meltdown if your routine is changed?” Think of it this way if you had spent ages and ages developing a careful plan of this new universe which you have crashed landed on with no instructions so you had to make your own but now someone has changed something which makes your very careful thought out plan fall to bits. It’s frustrating and really really scary! Without those plans I have no idea what to expect or whats going on, I depend on those plans to live and without them I just fall apart. I scream, shout, cry lash out because I have no idea what to do or how to cope now I’m alone and have to waste my time that I need to use to get to know my peers around  to now developing new plans which I’m sure will get ruined again and again but what choice do I have?!?! why cant things be the same?!?!?

”Why do you move around so much?” My body is fueled by a never ending motor, imagine a hyperactive squirrel which had accidentally taken a sip of an energy drink well that’s what my motor is. This world is so big so noisy so many things to see so bright! I have to keep up I have to always keep moving always move my body as that motor is having to work so hard to keep up with the world around me and if it stops even for a moment it might stop for good…. Jumping, flapping my hands, rocking, hopping, spinning, running, pacing my body was meant to move it needs to move.

”Why do I have to keep stopping writing just to engage in a stimming session?” Why do you have to stop and sneeze? It’s just an impulse I have, it’s something I have to do plus it feels really really good and regulates my body so I can concentrate and write a beautiful piece just for you. Just keep stimming, just keep stimming.

”Why do I line everything up?” ORDER!! this world needs order it’s so chaotic, so crazy there is no structure here and all my instructions to this world are all in this weird language that for the life of me I can’t understand so I have to create my own order. Lines are great don’t you think? who does not love lines?!?!? they keep everything in its place and everything has its place, the world is less noisy, bright, crowded, scary, overwhelming when everything is in a line. Straight and perfect unlike this world which is curvy and messy.

”Why do I only like even numbers?” Odd numbers are the numbers of the devil they just don’t feel right! every tv has to be turned up not too loud but on an even number, I have to have an even number of  pieces of food on my plate, even numbers make me feel happy and calm where odd numbers make me feel anxious and restless

”Why do I chew everything” It didn’t taste nice…that shopping receipt I chewed, nor did those lego bricks or that computer cable or those rubber bands, they all tasted awful and made my jaw ache but I have this need to chew like you have the need to breathe. I don’t even realize I’m chewing most of the time until someone mentions it to me.Our brains all have a special part which controls all of our sensory needs well you see mine is totally busted its all wired wrong meaning I need to chew all the time I know how unattractive and silly it makes me look but I can’t help it. This does not mean I’m a dog or an infant it does not mean you can challenge my academic abilities it just means my blue wire is connected to a yellow wire instead of another blue wire.

”Why do I  have obsessions?”  I become obsessed with things normally tv shows which is kinder awesome as you may like the same tv show as I do but believe me when I say you will never like them as much as I do, when I like something I will learn everything I can about it, if its a tv show I will watch it over and over without getting bored with it because if you love something so much then you will never get bored of it right? I have so many friends say they love something but then become bored with it after a while…it makes no sense? This world can get really lonely you know like everyone seems to know what they’re doing, they seem to have special groups where they fit into and special people they connect too but I don’t…. So my interests become my special places and my special friends, when I’m watching a favorite tv show or doing a favorite hobby I feel like I finally belong, I finally feel secure and safe in a world which is so dark and scary

”Why do I script?” As a way to connect, because of its fun, because I feel safe when I do this, I feel like you even if the way I’m talking is slightly different. Sometimes what I hear on tv is really funny so I just have to echo it why wouldn’t I? like I said when I like something I like something an awful lot even the words and sounds they make.

”Why do I crave pressure and weight?” I feel like a floating balloon, I feel like I’m just floating I don’t feel like a real person I need to feel like a person I need to feel like I’m existing. So at times, I need a big tight hug or to be jumped on while I lay on the floor or to be squashed into a tight hole. It’s why you may find me tucked between the sofa or a gap of the fridge or why I have a hundred layers of covers on me even though its summer time. My blue wire is connected to the yellow wire meaning I don’t get that natural body awareness that we need to make us feel like a floating balloon so I try to make my own blue wire for it to connect to.

”Why do I flinch with touch?” Your touch hurts… It’s like you have just poured a thousand of ants all over my body and now pouring acid onto my open wounds….Believe me, I’m not being oversensitive so please don’t think I’m and force me to hug you, do you really think I’m happy that my tangled wires prevent me from giving and accepting love in the most natural ways created? Do you think I really enjoy not being able to give my family a hug when they are hurting? Do you think  I like having to explain to them how I can be touched by some people but others like them it still hurts? Of course, I don’t its hell but please know it’s nothing to do with any of you. It’s just my tangled wires I can’t make sense of someone touching me

”Why do I hit my head?” Sometimes I get too much information coming in all at once and the mental pain that I endure because of this is so intense that the only thing that can help is causing myself physical pain. So I hit my head as hard as I can to try and get it to stop to try and get everything to pause just for a moment. I just wish I could get my brain to catch up quick enough, it hurts so bad. I dont do this for attention I do this because I’m hurting so badly that I coulndt even begin to explain it to me so please don’t judge just help me keep myself safe

”Why do I cover my ears?” Loud sounds are always louder for me, I hear them so much more than you do but I also see them and I also feel and taste them. All my senses get so overwhelmed that I just can’t cope. Loud sounds taste so bitter like nails covered with blood and pure lemon juice. Lound sounds looks like explosions of fire,knifs,bombs, and death. Loud sounds feel like stinging nettles, hot burning cole, and hedgehogs. Loud sounds sound like chalk on a chalkboard, bombs going off, cars crashing into explosions, fireworks, lions roaring the kind of noise which leaves a ringing in your ears, the kind of ringing which never goes away, high pitched ringing which makes me wish I was dead because I would rather be dead than be pained by that awful ringing. I hear the ringing, and smell the awful smells and feel the burning cold for much longer as well even when the original noise which caused this has gone I’m still hearing it, it takes longer for me to come down from it.

”Why do you smile and laugh to yourself?” Because The world is beautiful yes it’s very scary and loud but it’s also beautiful and because I have autism I can see some of the worlds hidden beauties which are often hidden from the rest of you. I smile because I’m so glad to be alive because I get to see everything which others miss. I get to see the way the sun shines on the water, I get to hear the sweet sound which water makes as it falls onto the ground, I get to see the birds arguing with each other like old married couples. I get to feel sand running through my fingers and in between my toes, I get to see the crinkles appear in my sister’s eyes when she laughs, I get to feel my families love in other ways than affection. Little things amuse me not because I’m not bright but because I know those little things are what makes the world go round, I notice all the little things because unlike everyone else’s fast pace lifestyle I walk around in this world noticing everything from the cracks on the floor to the sun in the sky. I’m happy I can see the small things because those are the most beautiful things in the world, the precious things because so many often miss them. I count all the leaves as they fall from the trees smiling as I do it because no one can steal this moment from me because no one can truly understand how much joy a simple activity can bring me, every Autumn the tree’s fall on off the trees but then every spring the trees grow new ones back how isn’t that amazing?!?!?! We are seeing real life dying and then living right in front of our eyes that’s enough to make me smile and laugh out of pure joy. I stand there for hours trying to make sense of it all as I see the beauty out of something so ”small”.

There are so many other things I do but I will be all day if I was to name and explain them all so I have done my best to explain a few. There is always a reason to why we may do something even if it’s as simple as ”we do it because we like it” The things we do are as important as the things you do, they may look weird and they may be different but they are what make us who we are and who we are is magical if you want to know more just ask please don’t stare and before you judge us ask yourself are we hurting you or anyone else? if not then let us do our ”thing”.

 

 

I want to be beautiful 

IMG_1919I’am autistic but before that I’am a girl, a women, a lady, a female however you want to address that title.

I know I’m not into all the typical girl stuff like make up, dresses, highheels, flaunting my self at guys. But you see I still have massive insecurities about the way I look and truly I just want to be beautiful…

I want someone to look at me and say I’m beautiful and really mean it, I want my eyebrows to just not be my eyebrows…every joke I hear about them makes me want to puke because it hurts so bad even harmless jokes I think because I can’t speak about my inscurties they think I don’t have any but in reality I have loads just like you…maybe even more because my autism can be a massive insecurity….

I want to be beautiful but wait what is beautiful? Like what is the definition of it? I know I’m not beautiful but my sisters are but I can’t really tell you what beautiful is just that I’m not it.

My biggest fear is to become fat, I know plenty of people who are overweight and beautiful but you see I’m not beautiful so being overweight would make it worse. I always hold a pillow or something over my stomach when I’m sat/ laying down because I’m insecure of my stomach.

I wasn’t going to write about this as I know a lot of people will feel like I’m just fishing for compliments but really I’m not, ask anyone who knows me they will tell you that I hate compliments, they make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. I don’t need reassurance either I just feel like I needed to express myself somehow and this is my blog I can put whatever I want on here as long as it’s not harming anyone else.

someone once told me “to be called beautiful you must be beautiful on the outside and you peri are not that maybe pretty but not beautiful”  I have relented that and have taken it pretty literally, I don’t even think I’m pretty so what I’m I? I always thought you could be beautiful on the inside as well and that everyone is beautiful in their own way but apparently there is a certain look that only  clarifies as “beautiful”

Im all for laughing at myself but my looks is a sore spot so when you joke about them they are the jokes which keep me up and night, I even hate myself for not being able to take them as a joke the way they should be taken…well I hope they are jokes…are they?? See this is how my insecurities work, they constantly make me misjudge and analysis people’s intentions.

If i care too much I’m a drama queen if I care too little I’ m a robot….life is hard when your not 100% sure how little or how much you should be feeling or what you should do when you are feeling something.

“I want to be beautiful but I don’t know what that is”….