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When I was nonverbal

As most of my long term followers are aware of  I was not fully verbal until I was 10 years old, I said my first word at 6 years but stopped saying much else until I was 10. I can still remember my time being nonverbal and preverbal very clearly, I remember the pure frustration and isolation I felt not just around me but within myself as well. I feel like I need to give the people who are still struggling with their voices a voice and an insight to what they may be going through to the public by sharing my experiences of when I was nonverbal.

My brain: your hungry you need to ask for some food

Me: …..

My brain: come on just say dad I’m hungry he’s right over there

Me: …..

My brain: Come on, thats it walk up to him

Me: ARRRRUGHHHHHAAA!! *falls in front of dad and begins to scream*

My brain: oh here we go again, you know what you want why cant you just say it?

Me*full blown meltdown* AAAAAAAWAAAAAAAAA! NAAAAAA NOOOO NAAAA AAAACAAAAAAAA!

MY brain: you did this the other day when you was in pain but coulndt tell your siblings so you just screamed, cried and was aggressive look he’s asking if you want food you just need to nod

Me: AAAAGHHAAAA!!! MMMMMMMMMHMMMMMMMHMMMMMM (Loud humming)

My brain: too far gone I suppose….

This is how most days went when I needed something like food I knew exactly what the problem was but was unable to express my wants, needs or feelings which resulted in frustration and meltdowns.

I remember my younger sister made me play barbies with her she was of course making the barbie speak with mine, she then stopped and looked annoyed but I was not making it talk she was too young to understand that I was not doing this on purpose and she was also too little to understand that despite not being able to speak I was making the doll communicate even if the things I was making it do might seem well odd. I would often undress the dolls as my sister would often say it was a hot day in the world of barbies, I would make the doll jump around happily or I would move it wildly if it was suppose to be feeling a negative feeling. I would find this activity hard to join in with as not only did it involve imaginative play which I found really hard which is why my sister would often take the lead but it also involved a lot of interaction between speech as so many kids just like my sister are brought up to only listen with their ears and to only focus on the physical voice of a memes of communication and interaction.

I also remember every time my older sister who I was very close too would tell me she loved me before she went out and I would just seem oblivious to her and the world around me until one day when I gained my voice I said ”I love you too” she cried so much (happy tears I’m sure of it) like in a typical family it becomes a simple thing to say I love you and to get it back but when your an autism household that all changes sometimes you have to listen to us with more than your ears and I was confused for a very long time why she was so shocked and why she was so happy that she cried tears just because I said something that I have been showing her all along. Didn’t she notice when she came in the room I would jump about, happy noises, flap my hands, the way I always wanted to be held by her and how I would stock her school bag with all my favourite toys and foods. As I have grown I have come to realise that she probably knew that I loved her back and the whole actions speak louder than words but when someone is starved of something like my family was starved of my voice for so long they long for it, they dream of it, they need it to confirm things. When I said I loved her I was not just telling her I loved her I was letting her into my world I was connecting to her in a way which took everything in me, the words were the thing that meant the least it was the actions and the wait behind it.

Me: Eh oh, Eh oh, time tubbie byes byes tubbie byes byes eh oh, eh oh (scripting Tellietubbies)

Doctors: well it seems like she can speak fine and is just being lazy with requests

Doctors: what did you do at school today?

My brain: well you did some drawings and some math then you played outside then you had a story read. so come on tell him

Me: ”Eh oh Eh oh, we can fixs its” mix of (Tellietubbies and Bob the builder)

My brain: No peri come on if you can say that why cant you say your own words?

Doctor: Peri? what did you do at school today? did you do some drawings?

Me *nods*

Doctor: what did you draw?

Me:……

Doctor: Peri?

Me: AAAARGAAAHAA!

My brain: oh boy….

I would script a lot but often people would think just because I could script then I could speak y own words too but this was wrong as I was pretty much just being a parrot I was just repeating the words I had heard in the exact same voice and the exact same way this is what I call being ”pre-verbal”

After a meltdown I would often lay on my siblings lap or parents while they stroked my hair and talk about how they wished they could see what was going on in that head of mine. Oh how I wanted to tell them oh how badly I wanted to scream from the rooftops who I truly was because there was so much more than just this silent girl there was so much more that met the eyes, I had amazing stories to tell stories than had never been heard before stories that would change the world, stories that would likely be trapped in my head forever.

If I had the chance to express back then to my love ones if I had a  chance to tell them everything I so badly wanted to say I think it would of gone like this:

Please love ones don’t cry I know you are scared for me, I know you feel my frustration, I know you just want to hear my voice say those 4 little words of “I love you too” I know you want me to be like other kids chatting about our favourite movies and weekend plans but please don’t cry because when you cry it makes me feel like I have failed, makes me feel like I’m failing at the one thing that could finally connect me with you…makes me feel like I have failed you. I sing a million of songs and dance to my own melody but my songs are just too precious and delicate to be heard by the world they are too sensitive to be heard by original ears but if you just breathe in and dance with me, spin around with me me you can almost hear my song a song almost quieter than silence but even more beautiful and maybe one day I will be able to make my songs loud enough for the world to hear but if I not that’s okay because I don’t need to speak to communicate with you. On some days family I may act like I have no idea what your on about but I understand every word I’m just so tired trying to connect with you, trying so hard with your speech regims and endless word card games I’m trying so hard but I’m so tired so please listen to my songs come real close because they are just for you, where talking can be for anybody anyone can talk to anyone but you see these silent songs are just for you because I love you” the only way I can express to you my pain is to scream and cry, it’s like my voice is in this prision made of titanium bars which can’t get out and maybe it never will maybe stJude has my voice the saint for lost causes because that’s what the doctors call me right? I can’t express to you what I’m going through but please don’t give up on me. Talk to me, play with me, give me patience, don’t cry, don’t get angry I’m trying. I know you love me and one day I will speak to you even if it’s not with my voice until then we will be alright..

 

Now I did speak and I’am thankful for that but really I’m more thankful in finding and improving my ways to communicate. Speaking and communication are not the same thing you can speak without cominucation and you can comminucat  without speaking and then you can use both together but it’s not always needed. Writing will always be munch first way of commucaiting as I feel like without writing I would not be able to truly communicate like I’m doing today because writing is much more than a hobby, interest, love…it’s my voice my only voice because to me a voice does not need to make a sound a it just needs to be able to express feelings, and tell a billion of storie. That is what my voice does for me and without it I will be lost….

So of course my vocal voice is helpful when telling someone I’m hungry or that I hurt or to fulfil simple requests and demands but it is not my “voice” it does not show everyone the real “Peri” and this journey has helped me realise this it has helped me to realise that all those years ago I wasn’t striving to speak, I was striving to communicate…striving to connect with the world..

 

 

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What is a miracle?

The Wikipedia’s definition of a miracle ”is an event not explicable by natural or scientific laws. Such an event may be attributed to a supernatural being (a deity), magic, a miracle worker, a saint or a religious leader”. A downpour of rain in the Deseret would be called a miracle, Christians often called the acts of Jesus and God miracles, a terminal ill person becoming 100% healthy is too often called an miracle. Many of us think for something to be a miracle it has to be something  big something so rare..

However in the Autism community we see miracles in EVERYTHING. a simple look in the eye, a simple instruction followed, a simple different food consumed, a simple hug or kiss on the cheek, a simple smile, a simple photograph, a simple itchy jumper worn, a simple school report passed, a simple playdate with a friend, a simple ”I love you” a simple meltdown free day, a simple hand hold….these are all sweet miracles for an Autism household. They may seem like nothing to you but for us they are the most amazing miracles that we have ever seen,for me a miracle is something that’s not thought to be able to happen but it does despite everything and everyone doubting its ability to do so. All of these ”little miracles” slowly gather up and becomes an spectacular, grand, beautiful miracle.

There was this girl who had a permanent lost&perplexed expression on her pale almost greyish face, she could not speak nor communicate in any other way she was completely shut in her own head which looked like no desire to reach out to anyone. She could not feed herself because she lacked the coordination and dexterity in her hands so got the food anywhere but in her mouth, she was a angry child who would often beat  up her loved ones even when they were just trying to help, she could not show affection nor accept it and would often react with violence. This girl could not deal with any type of noise  preventing her from going out anywhere because any stimuli from the outside world would result in a meltdown which would last for hours, and hours, she would scream until she was red and had forgotten what even made her do it in the first place but she would know she was angry so she would carry on due to dam right confusion and the lack of understanding towards her emotions.  As well as the screaming she would display in self injurious behaviours until she was black and blue this would happen daily leaving her family walking on egg shells around her, she would puke up any unfamiliar food if it so much as just touched her lips, she would gag and scream if anyone made her put clothes on especially socks&shoes. She would spend all her time in a plastic pool the only place she truly felt happy and at peace, she would spin around in circles, line her toys up but never play with them, she would jump and flap her hands, even with sign language she would refuse to learn any other sign apart from the one for ”toilet” which she would use over and over ad over instead for its proper use.  She would hide in her sisters underwear draw while screamed because her sister went on holiday and she just could not cope without her, she would watch the same episode of Tellietubbies on repeat and would meltdown if the routine was changed. At school she would not scream, lash out, or anything like that, most of the time she would fade into the back ground, quietly doing what everyone else was doing so teachers would just assume she was just lazy or stubborn apart from the times when things got too much and she would hide under the table while highpitch squealing. She was unwell all the time because her body’s immune system was weak from the lack of nutrition she was getting from the days where she would stop eating because all foods made her gag, She would be awake every night for months at a time because her body would not switch off apart from the nights where she would scream and cry herself into utter exhaustion. She would have to be restrained from hurting herself and others but as she got older she was physically overpowering full grown adults. She was soon able to learn words but could not express her needs or wants so became silent once again, she was incontinent and would have accidents throughout day&night, she had no friends and could not look at anyone in the eye.

This girl was not diagnosed until 11yrs old because the lack of desire and understanding from professionals and doctors around her, She had to go all the way to London just for her family to be told something they knew all along… ”She has Autism”They were told that her diagnosis was grave and that she would never speak fully, she would never finish school, she would never be able to live on her own and would need 24/hour care so the possibility of her needing to go into a home was high. She was diagnosed with moderate to severe Autism and got into a special needs secondary school. The school was a gift to the girl as before getting diagnosed she was refused from the school.  When she started she started making progress even if it was just little things at first. She got her first tick on the reward system for eye contact, she smiled more, her meltdowns was not as intense nor frequent, she made a few friends, she was talking more, she was contemplating work and was working at a proper grade level, she was eating more, she said ”I love you” to her family, she used the phone to talk to her new friends even if it was just for a few seconds, she won competitions for her writing, she was the best swimmer in the class, she listened to instructions, she enjoyed music lessons and was able to listen to music without melting down because of the intense pain of the noise, she slowly very slowly started to join in drama lessons and actually started requesting to go to drama club, which lead her getting lead roles, She away with the school for 5days&4 nights for the first time ever, trying something new each day, she became a favourite with students and staff, she joined in more playground games with her fellow students, she took on a caring role towards other students….She regressed in yr 10 no one knew why but its like everything she had learnt had gone and the old lost girl everyone once knew was coming back, she was back to wearing ear defenders everywhere she went in school, she hid in cupboards and blanked out in lessons, she would rock in her chair in every lesson violently,  she carried around a cuddly penguin, she would sit blankly and not do anything, she would refuse to play with her other students and isolated herself, she lost her words and struggled with selective mutism, she stopped eating, her meltdowns increased at home , she refused to wear clothes, socks and shoes, she became unwell again, cbeebies was back to being her favourite tv channel, her grades went down, she was lost again, trapped in her world, problems at home was making her feel unstable and scared but she was unable to tell anyone as she didn’t know how. Instead of the staff of the school trying to force her out they got down onto her level and communicated to her in ways which slowly got her to progress, they talked to her through comic strips, letting her express herself through her writing, they would ask her about her penguin, tell her it was nice and make conversations about it, let her include her interest of penguins as much as she could in her work, they gave her as much patience as she needed, they let her know that she could tell them anything but she didn’t have too, they told her if the fire alarm was going to go off for a test so she wouldn’t freak out because of the minor change in her routine, they would let her know well in advance if anything was going to change. Slowly the girl made progress and was back up to speed, she had a good set of friends and she was often referred to as one of the more chatty students when she was with them, she was often seen as the most able students, top of the class in most lessons though English was her favourite, even developed a cheeky side which of course the teachers had to rope in but secretly loved she was testing the waters as it was another milestone she was hitting.

Then She joined 6th form in the same school of course, there was settling problems, it was different from lower school it felt like a step backwards instead of a step forward this caused the girl to develop feelings of depression and she regressed again throughout the whole first year she was very much the same as what she was like in year 10 but then improved towards the end of it. The girl became top of the class again and even organised and took part in a charity  walk for a sick teacher and a year after that completed a slideshow for the sick teacher getting every student involved. She then started having problems with friends and family problems, the family problems amplified the problems at school, she started having violent outbursts at school, she pushed a girl out the fire exit door, she started running away, into the school’s woods and even out of the school grounds, she would have weeks of really good and then weeks of really bad, In her last year at the school she struggled to censor her emotions and behaviour resulting in meltdowns and self disruptive behaviours, she began pubety very late meaning she was going through all the hormones and the hormonal strops your suppose to be having at 13 at 17-19 and because of autism they affected the girl much worse, she didnt know how to deal with any of this, she would have member of staffs look for her with walkie talkies because she would often vanish from lessons, staff found it hard to control her, her violent outbrusts were coming a regular thing, throwing water over two students, chucking stones at student, chucking a chair at a student, yelling, swearing, headbutting, pushing members of staff, she would spend her time in school walking around the playground and up and down corridors when she was suppose to be in lessons, she was suppose to be taking GCSE’s but hardly turned up to any of the classess and when she did she was too distracted to follow instructions and concentrate, she stopped caring for herself and others, her fear of leaving school consumed her. She was excluded for the first time after her taking part  in a dangerous conduct, after the exclusion she came back to school, she completed her work experience in a primary school which she loved years before that she had completed 2 other successful work placements at nursery’s despite it being a task in finding somewhere who will take her, she completed all her GCSE exams and completed her leavers video, and helped other students to complete theirs, She was still unsure what she would do though once she had left school….Something happened resulting in the girl getting excluded again and was asked not to return to school, she only had 2 more weeks at school left but the pressure was too much for her, She became angry at home, snapping at anyone around her, she was back to having nothing but this time she was aware of it and it sucked, she suffered from depression and anxiety, she was put on different medication but nothing worked.. She was able to go to the school’s prom and was also let into school for the last week where she was able to say goodbye to the staff and friends… She collected her GCSE results from school, She got 2 C’s in two of her exams which was amazing, She thought she would never take GCSE’s let alone get a C, professionals all those years ago told her family it would be impossible.

2 weeks before back to school and college etc the girl got a place on a Access to higher education course a course which would help her achieve her dream on going to university, the girl wanted to redeem herself And get back on track.

3 weeks went by and she was told by 3 member of staff on the course that she was either going to fail or drop out of the course so she needed to go down to an easier course…the girl refused and kept on refusing throughout the course no matter how hard and painful it got. The girl had no support or belief from the staff but she had her friends who showed her more than enough. The course has now ended and the girl passed the course and even got the grades she needs to go to university to study special education so she can teach in a special needs school one day.

now this girl is sharing her story to you via this amazing thing called WordPress, a true miracle for the girl as it gives her a true voice to share with you all. Now back to my question what is a miracle? Is it that I can now speak? Or is it that I’m going to university or is it that I’m sharing this with you all today? Like I said a miracle does not have to be something big it can be something tiny like a simple smile on a bad day, I personally know that miracles don’t just happen they take a lot of work, they take a lot of strength to battle for years and judgement and sometimesjust breathing takes everything you got.

I know I…I mean this girl could not of gotten where she is now without the support and belief from her family, friends, educators, followers.  she also knows she has not recovered from Autism as that is impossible so she knows that she’s still going to have days where she’s going to struggle just to get by and she knows she’s going to have to prove a lot more people wrong but she she knows she can do it because of all the support she gets from everyone I have listed above, she knows Autism does not defy her Autism is a miracle in disguise, you are all my miracles and I’m thankful for every single one of you.

“They say you can’t”

“So you say I must”

~Thank god for small miracles~ ♥️⭐️

Where’s my head?!?

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Sometimes I forget I have a head…..and shoulders….and arms….and legs…in fact sometimes I forget   I have body at all.

Like many people with Autism I have a very low body awaness which causes me to even forget that my limbs are attached to me it’s the most weirdest sensation ever to describe it kinder feels like I’m just floating. For an example you know where your hands are without the need to touch them but I constantly  have to shake them or grab onto them so I can be aware that they are there. I often bump into things and people or trip over because I can’t adjust my body in order to protect myself from a slope or a obstacle because of the lack of body awareness.

I will often seem all floppy like a rag doll even when I’m full of beans, I walk like a “windmill” as I walk I rock side to side and waddle Lila a penguin this is all part and parcel of low body awareness. To try and help myself feel more “attached” to my body I will jump, shake my hands, constantly touch my face. All of these facts help me to feel more grounded and attached to my body it’s also why so many people with Autism love the tight pressure of tight hugs or confined places because once the weight or pressure is placed on our body we become more aware of where our body is in space and time.

(I told you it’s hard to explain)

My head and shoulders are the worse effected which is the same for a lot of others people with Autism too which is why weighted jackets have the most weights around the shoulders as that is where the most sensory therapy is needed. Though the head is harder to ground as so many people can’t imagine actually forgetting your head…..well it is possible

anyway so when I was younger I use to stand on the sofa on my head so I had the constant grounded feeling. On bad days I will get my siblings to push hard against my head and face or I will often do it to myself with two hand pushing down on my head for 10 seconds 5 times and I will do for as long as it takes these are called sensory therapies which helps us feel more grounded and safe. There is another thing which helps me feel safe which includes having a blanket or my weighted lap pad on my head or even my hood up constantly and though this may look  “strange” to you it makes sense to me and millions of people who suffer from low body awareness.

It makes me feel safe by letting me know exactly where my head is so the next time you see someone with maybe a obsession with there good always being up or maybe a blanket on there head don’t judge because which may seem weird to you may give comfort to them.

You don’t always have to understand everyone’s journey just be accepting and welcoming.💕

 

 

Pleas love us a little bit more this Christmas…

I’m truly horrible at Christmas time I don’t even want to be near me, I’m rude, snarky and very hard to love at Christmas. I wish I could be easier at Christmas I wish I could go through  the day without making someone cry or ending up in tears my self but that’s something that seems to be just a far off dream.

Christmas is hard for many of us on the spectrum, the change of routine makes it impossible for us to fully relax everything is different and out of the ordinary, our already very upside down world turned even more upside just for a baby born 1000 years ago or a guy in a red suit bringing presents? It just confuses us even more and we are already very confused generally. Having to worry and to be made to feel guilty about behaviours that we can’t always help just so we can get a present…..

The different smells

The different sights

The too many people in a cramped house

The sounds of buzzing toys, ripping paper,people laughing, talking and even shouting.

its nearly impossible to think of a holiday that is suppose to bring so much joy to milions around the world also brings so much pain to others even more for those on the spectrum. there’s also a lot of feelings around Christmas I’m from a big family meaning there are so many different personalities and emotions some are jolly and full of christmas  cheer others are passive aggressive full of bitterness, lonely, stressed and just dam right miserable. I feel all these emotions all at once all on top of the feelings I’m already feeling you think I can’t feel but really I feel everything way too much. I step into a room full of so many different feelings I have no idea what to feel or what not to not feel, how I’m I not suppose to react to all these different feelings.

so much tension

so much noise

so many feelings

ARRRRRRRRAUGGGGGHHHHHAAA!!!!!!!

I cant take it anymore so I’m mean…..I’m rude….I scream, I swear, I’m snarky and then I cry I cry until I can’t breathe until I’m gasping for a breath. Crying because I’m overwhelmed crying because I’ve ruined yet another Christmas crying because I want to stop this I want to stop but everyone thinks I don’t because I make them believe that I don’t because I don’t know any other way I’m so sorry.. 😦

(Lyrics from one of my favourite Christmas songs ~ Shane Dawson)

I’ve never seen reindeer fly
I’ve never heard the sleigh bells ring
I’ve never seen a snowman come to life
I’ve never heard the angels sing
But I hope and I pray
That maybe this Christmas day
That’ll change.

Maybe this year I won’t be sad on Christmas
Maybe I’ll have a happy holiday.
Replace my heart ache and my pain,
With mistletoe and candy canes
This Christmas could go my way…

Christmas is in fact a really stressful time of year for everyone but it may be even more stressful for someone with ASD but in a completely  different way.

we may get too excited or we may want nothing to do with it so weather we are hyperactive, too loud, too excited or rude or hide ourselves away please just know we are not meaning too act this way, we want nothing more to join in with the festive fun But  our brains just won’t let us we want to show our loved ones we are thankful for everything they have done but we just can’t no matter how hard we try it all goes wrong.

So no matter how hard we are being this Christmas please promise me one thing that….

you will love us even when we least deserve it because that’s when we need your love the most….

 

 

Sometimes Autism you are not my friend. 


I have a love,hate relationship with autism. Sometimes we get on and other times we are constantly at war. Reccently we have been constantly at war and its exhausting!

Autism can be a great friend she keeps me company when I’m alone , she can make me feel safe , she gives me great talents and interests and also helps me see the world in a complete different but amazing way. But um well you see Autism she has a nasty side too… She steals my voice and my confidence she isolates from me from the rest of the world she makes me unable to connect with my peers she makes my words come out all wrong so they are rude she makes me a laughing stock in front of my peers she makes me not able to do the things I want and should be able to do she makes me explode in anger because she fogs up my thinking she makes me hurt the pepole I love the most she also brings her friends “Anxiety” , “Depression” and “SPD” which all bring even more trouble. Autism isn’t like a typical friend I can’t just get rid of her I just can’t so I have to try and keep her sweet but sometimes it’s impossible..

College is seeming to be a great challenge for me at the moment. The worse thing about this is that I’m finding the work fine it’s just the other parts which I’m struggling with. The change , the lack of routine , the many pepole , the massive building , the noise but most importantly the uncomfortable and awkward feeling I get when I step into the building.

It’s frustrating because I feel if I didn’t have autism I would be able to fit in easier. It’s frustrating that I’m finding the work fine when many pepole are finding it the hardest part of it where the hardest part for me is saying hello to the tutor and fellow students.

Autism is such ainconvince at times like this where I’m so close to fitting in but it stops me from being able to do the thingsI Know I  academically can do. it leaves me isolated as its a lonley battle no one can quite understand you can not quite explain either.

“Your doing the work so your fine”

“Suck it up your there to learn not to enjoy yourself”

“Maybe you gotta try a bit harder”

All things I have heard reccently I get that they are suppose to help but really they don’t it just creates a bigger barrier againts me and you which makes me feel isolated once again. You learn better when you are enjoying yourself have you ever noticed that you do best in the subjects you like? That’s because you are enjoying yourself so your processing more and taking more in.

I can try as hard as I can but when Autism is on one she is so much stronger than I’am. Imagine trying to win a race your just about to reach the finish but as you come up to the finish line you are tugged back its like you have an elastic string attached to your back and everytime you go to reach your goal your instantly tugged back and it happens again and again and again until your so exhastuted you just can’t try anymore so you give up. I’ve come to relise that faliling is not the worse feeling being so close to succeeding then having it taken away from you is the worse feeling.

Autism dosent like college she’s making me miserable everytime I go but does this mean I should just quit? Why should I quit when I’m just so close but again because of her I’m just so far away. What if she dosent like anything I do choose to do what if I’m just left in a vicious cycle of dissapointment until I’m left with nothing…

Autism you cause the rain that falls yet you shelid me from it at the same time..

Why do we Stim?

Why do we stim? and yes I say WE because all of us even the ones classed as ”neurotypical” stim. You may drum your fingers on the desk , jiggle your leg , bite your nails or twiddle your hair. These are all classed as self soothing behaviors which everyone does when they are stressed or anxious.

So why when people with ASD stim its more noticeable? I have found that everything with us is multiplied and amplified. We feel things more deeply , we hear things more deeply and we see many things all at once. Because of this we lose control more quickly and more often than our peers so we need too use our self soothing behaviors more often and we also need to use them in big ways. I flap my hands , rock , jump , hum , script , chew and lining things up I also use to spin these are all common stims that people with ASD preform. Some of us even do these stims when we are happy and getting over excited we do this to express our emotions of excitement or we do this to try to calm ourselves down and to regulate our bodies and emotions.

Most of the time I can be stimming without realizing like I can be sitting in my chair listening to someone talk then I will slowly begin to rock without me being aware that I’m doing it. Another example is I can be holding something then the next minute I will be chewing it and I won’t notice it until someone yells at me because most of the time its something I should not be chewing. Then other times I’am very aware that I’m flapping my hands and I do this because I feel like I need to due to the reasons I have explained up above or as simple as it just feels really good and I feel like if something feels really good and its not hurting yourself or anyone then you should totally do it. Stimming can also become a habit so many of us do it without any real reason at all so don’t always try and look for a reason why someone may be doing it.

I’m 19 years old so I’m fully aware that my stimming may look weird to others but telling me to stop stimming is like telling me to stop breathing and yes its that dramatic because as someone with Autism I use stimming as a daily coping mechanism to help me get by in this very overwhelming world telling me to stop just because it dosent fit into your normal square hole will end up doing more damage than good. So if you see someone stimming may it be because of ASD or SPD or just as a nervous habit do not tell them to stop instead respect the stim and move on.

RESPECT THE STIM.

Just keep stimming

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Without purposehttps://girlwithautismblog395.files.wordpress.com/2016/08/blog-photo.jpg?w=1462

This isn’t really a autism post its more about a general issue but I suppose Autism does come into play.

I feel like I have lost my purpose in life I feel like I’m going through life with nothing to give nothing to earn.This has nothing to do with depression not having a purpose in life is which causes depression not the other way  As humans when we don’t have a purpose we start replacing it by negative substitutes I have been destroying my relationships with my friends and family wrecking them until there is nothing there. Because of this there is no one to help me out of this hole which I have drugged so I have to do it but I’m not sure how I’m going to do this without a purpose.

For the first time since I was 5 years old I will have nothing to go too I wont be needing to go back to school shopping no more chasing around WHSmiths collecting all the best stationary for my snazzy new pencil case which I would swear I would not lose and bring in everyday but would end up losing  on the 4th day back, No more first day assembly’s from my head of year where he uses us to vent about his awful holiday but quickly  lectures us on the new academia he has planned for us so he can still up hold his professional name.

School was my purpose I feel like a drama queen for saying that but it was and now its gone and I suppose my autism is making this harder due to now not having a steady routine ect and the change but I’m not a autistic girl having a meltdown because changes no I’m a girl which has lost her purpose , I’m going to be a bitch , I’m going to think I’m going through the worst shit in the world knowing dam well thats not true yet not being able to do a thing about it because I’m in so deep and have isolated everyone that could of helped me out.

So whats next? what do I do how can I possibly move on how can I possibly find a new purpose when I don’t even know where to start? The worse thing about this is I know exactly what I want, I know exactly where I want to be what I want to do.

I want to become a Teacher

I want to have my own desk with a fancy pen holder which after time would be replaced by a handmade one by my one of my students

I want to have a breakdown while trying to read my timetable while color coding the whole thing

I want to be able to educate others while I educate myself

I want to become giddy when I get called Miss Savidge for the first time

I want to be able to boast to my co workers on how all my students have passed

I want to cry because one of my students is constantly failing , I want to have sleepless nights because there is nothing else I can do for him/her

I want to laugh when my friends and parents of my students say how lucky I’am because of the long holidays I have and the easy hours I have.

I want to have a heart to heart with my student whom pass teachers called unteachable

I want to be doodling in my packed diary while listening to another teachers meeting

I want to be telling my boss how much I agree with her/his decisions but secretly knowing I could do better

I want to bore my friends with yet another conversation about a new lesson plan I have thought of  and how one of my students tried the whole my dog ate my homework excuse

I want to see my social life slowly decrease because I have yet put off a pub cruel to working on my latest display bored on multiplication

I want to be the reason why a student comes up to me and says Miss Savidge I want to become a teacher.

 

I know what I want and maybe that can be my new purpose but I don’t know how to do that yet so all it is is a want thats all its going to be until I can figure out how to make a want into a purpose. Maybe if I ask the man in the clouds nicely like I change it into a I would like maybe he would give it to me instead of sitting there munching on a bag of Cheetos and watching me struggle or maybe my purpose should be how to make this into a want how I can become a teacher how I can do all the things I have described above.

I want this all so badly that its all I think about that it makes me angry that I cant make this want into a reality so I start hating myself then I hate myself for hating myself and its…. urgh now I’m not making any sense….fantastic!  life could be so so so so much worse and I know that, I know many people who are facing shitty situations who are going through hell and back who are fighting just to be here yet not having a purpose is tricking me into thinking my life is ending its tricking me to thinking there is nothing else I can do. Yet there is because there always is a way always is a way to fight. Now this post was suppose to inform people how I don’t have a purpose and how hard this is on me and why people should give me a break and let me yell and push my weight around.

That is not what I need what I need is a kick up my arse but not by anyone else no I need to kick my own ass into gear. Come on Savidge! stop feeling sorry for yourself stop whinging about not having a purpose and don’t even try and find one but make that WANT into a purpose because you are never going to become happy until you do.

 

I Peri-Ann Savidge is going to do everything to make what I want into a purpose but first I’m going to make wanting this want into a purpose because baby steps work this does not mean I’m going to become all positive about my future no all who knows me knows this is not whats going to happen. I’m going to bitch and moan and give up and refuse to help myself but one thing I cant say is I don’t have a purpose because I do even if its just being born.

 

So the minute I post this is the minute I have to stop saying I don’t have a purpose…..1…..2…3..Go!